well I turned 23 yesterday.

no big thing. everyone around here knows that I celebrate birthdays, milestones, tuesdays, and anything else with lists. 

there are a lot of songs that talk about being 23

maintain consciousness- relient K
23- jimmy eat world
pardon me- incubus
what's my age again?- blink 182
ganstah's paradise- coolio
twenty three- yellow card
dancing nancies- dave matthews band

(please go listen to all of these and find the age appropriate references. please.)


So there's that....
23 still feels young to me (TG because I'm not ready to grow up yet.) but I think somewhere in the not so distant past I really thought 23 might have been the beginnings of adulthood (or my pro basketball career- Michael Jordan #23 anyone?) Obviously I was wrong.

enjoy. 23 things I thought about being 23. Some right, some wrong. whatever

1. I thought by now I would be done listening to pop punk of any kind (i'm looking at you Fallout Boy, New Found Glory, The Starting Line, Brand New, etc.) Trust me, I'm still reliving the glory days while I'm stuck in traffic.
2. I thought I'd be dating someone seriously. (in the spirit of honesty I had very specific thoughts about my precieved relationship status at this age. I thought I was going to meet someone in college. I thought I'd be picking out a wedding dress soon. Can I just get an amen?! because you thought it too. ) If I'm honest though,  I'm really glad to be living life on my own. I needed to do this with just me for a minute.
3. I thought I'd have a job with a salary. but now I work as an indentured servant   volunteer for AmeriCorps.
4. I thought I would have figured out how to type the spanish accents in Microsoft word without changing the language.drats.
5. I thought i'd be driving a car other than Queen Esther the Escort. see #3
6. I thought I would have officially quit smoking. I'm seriously getting there, so get off my back.
7. I thought I'd have my own apartment- check!
8. I thought I'd be sleeping in a double bed every night. my room is roughly the size of a double bed.  struggle bus.
9. I thought I'd still be playing the clarinet. which is just comical.
10. I thought I'd graduate from college- yep!
11. I thought (hoped a lot) that I would still have friends. Amazingly I do. Blah blah blah, I'm always yabbering on about how much I'm obsessed with my social circle. Deal with it.
12. I thought either I would totally renounce my faith or dig my heels in and start to make my faith my own more and more. I would say I chose the later, I believe in the triune God who is making all things new and I'm loving life as a result.
13. I thought I'd wear high heels more. that was just stupid. why did i think that?
14. I thought I would have tattoos- ugh, sad but true, but only two.
15. I thought I would have developed a better taste in movies.apparently 'National Treasure' isn't everyone's idea of cinematic gold.
16. I thought my freckles would go away.
17. I thought the relationship I have with my high school friends would have imploded- I think the relationships I have with those girls are a testament to growing up, learning patience and recognizing the times when you need to tell someone to shut up.
18. I thought I would have visited Europe again by now. white girl problems.
19. I thought I'd have things to call "mine", like brands or types of things that I really liked. I thought iId be a regular for some things- a brand of jeans that fit like a glove, a type of oatmeal that always hits the spot, weird stuff white people like things. Currently, this is partly true. I know what kind of cheap beer I like best and I have a particular brand of Greek Yogurt that I'm loyal to. There's also a dish soap that is pretty close to my heart. So win for me I guess. ... on second thought, there is no go-to brand of jeans for me. So tie for me I guess.
20. I thought I'd have an interesting relationship wit my parents. Definitely  Two of the most important things in my life are Tom and Kath.
21. I thought by 23 I would be called "Elizabeth"- that's just laughable (remember when I tried to get everyone to call me Betsy?).
22. I thought I would have read the entire Bible. I really need to get on that.
23. I thought I would feel like an adult.

adding joy.

tomorrow is Ash Wednesday.
tomorrow we begin to wait for the resurrection of Christ.
tomorrow is Lent.

tomorrow some of us are going to be freaking crabby as we give things up.
[really. have you met people who just quit smoking/consuming caffeine/booze/sugar/reality TV? crab apples. myself included -- which one do  you think i am!?]

you may remember last year... (read all about that here) I reflected on the meaning of the Lenten season and I gave up swear words. It was nuts. Sometimes not in a good way.

There's this wacky thing people have been doing a while, I guess. Instead of giving something up, they add something new to their lives during Lent.

yeah yeah. I love new things. I love intentional things. Let's roll.

This year for Lent I will add Joy.

Google "joy". Apparently, Joy is all about jumping. or it being Christmas.

[let me clarify. I try my best to be a positive person. Mostly, I try not to be a Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy or a Ruby Doom and Gloom. Naturally, I'm more inclined to be those women than Positive Polly. It's effort most days to put my rally cap on for positivity but I try my best, much to the chagrin of those around me. An ever present refrain in my world is- "there is always something to be positive about."]

This isn't about 'looking on the bright side' and pasting a smile on my face. This is Joy. The deep feeling in the bottom of your being that it's going to come out alright. That at the end of the day, all is well and that you are so very loved that today's troubles and trials will be done away with. Joy is choosing to acknowledge that, although things are shitty, there is hope of a better way.

I want to add more of that to my life. 

Joy is making the choice to not keep score in my relationships
Joy is not berating myself for what I've done wrong, but celebrating my ability to do. 
Joy is knowing that Jesus saves, redeems and renews.
I'm a smaller part of bigger plan, so no, I won't be saving the world today. 
Joy is Jesus. 

this is what I said last year (and there isn't a better way to say it this year...)
 I hope this little tiny thing [joy] will make me feel a little more connected to that big thing [death and Resurrection] by a change of consciousness, not because there's no room for negativity in the kingdom of God (He can handle it). 





what's on your dance card for this years Lenten season? 

My life needs some direction, or at least some more punctuation.

So I guess this is normal on the brink of 23.
I need a little direction here.

What am I doing with my life?
I read a lot of books, listen to a lot of public radio, cook quasi fancy foods and spend way too much time on the internet.
My days are characterized by what I hope is good work.
My nights are spent with friends, more often than not we are laughing, sometimes singing. Almost always we are drinking. (but not in a weird way. I realize that sentence might have made it seem like it was in a weird way...)

but the moments that make up my days sometimes don't feel like they add up to me.
I know who I am and what I stand for, but sometimes I veer off course...

...but, full disclosure here, I am actually watching 'Last Call with Carson Daley' right now. So I am not a decider of anyone's life meaning. Did anyone else know that Pat from the Disney Channel Original Movie Smarthouse is also the mom on Sons of Anarchy... yeah C Daley is interviewing her right now!

so when I need guidance (and maybe a mental hug) where do I go?
I go to books, naturally.
Chief Modern Poets of England and America, Fourth Edition to be exact.
(If you were going to guess the Bible that was a really great guess.)

Langston Hughes knows me better than I know me.
Carl Sandburg knows me better than I know me.
William Bulter Yeats knows me better than I know me.

So, if you will, a feast for the journey....

From Langston Hughes' Theme for English B

"...It's not easy to know what is true for you or me at twenty-two, my age. But I guess I'm what I feel and see and hear, Harlem, I hear you: hear you, hear me---we two---you, me, talk on this page. (I hear New York too.) Me---who? Well, I like to eat, sleep, drink, and be in love. I like to work, read, learn, and understand life. I like a pipe for a Christmas present, or records---Bessie, bop, or Bach. "

From Carl Sanburg's Caboose Thoughts

"...IT'S going to come out all right—do you know?

The sun, the birds, the grass—they know.

They get along—and we'll get along.

Some days will be rainy and you will sit waiting

And the letter you wait for won't come,

And I will sit watching the sky tear off gray and gray

And the letter I wait for won't come.

There will be accidents.

I know ac-ci-dents are coming.

Smash-ups, signals wrong, washouts, trestles rotten,

Red and yellow ac-ci-dents.

But somehow and somewhere the end of the run

The train gets put together again

And the caboose and the green tail lights

Fade down the right of way like a new white hope:..."

William Butler Yeats' When You Are Old


"... WHEN you are old and gray and full of sleep,
    And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
    And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
    Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
    How many loved your moments of glad grace,
    And loved your beauty with love false or true,
    But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
    And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
    And bending down beside the glowing bars,
    Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
    And paced upon the mountains overhead
    And hid his face among a crowd of stars...."

... then you need to go read The Catholic Bells by William Carlos Williams. 


We're all traveling home and we have a life time to get there. I find other people's words are pleasant company.