I did it. I really did. I used the F word. fat. Fat. FAT.
Truth is you’re not going to see me on a TLC special about real life obesity, nor am I “a biscuit shy of 400” (a favorite amongst my mother’s coworkers), but I’m not thin. My pant size is larger than my shoe size, and in the spirit of honesty- it’s in the double digits. That said, [I’m going to be single for the rest of my life!]…
**cut to disclaimer** Maybe this is getting weird for you. Maybe you’re thinking I’m getting a little too personal, a little too soon. Listen pal, this is No Shame November. I’m not always going to write posts worthy of 17 Magazine. I’m warming up, stick with me. That said, in a quest for less shame, I’m confronting body issues head on. If you’ve got issues with mine, maybe you should check yours?**
It’s an incredibly weird juxtaposition of feelings for me.
There are days I look in the mirror and think, “wow, LB you are truly fabulous.”
There are other days I look in the mirror and think, “wow, you sure have been putting on the LBs.”
This is real life.
I suppose it shouldn’t define me like it does, and I’m ashamed to say it, but sometimes I view being a big a girl as qualifications for being a second class citizen. Wow. No Shame November- up close and personal.
I’m ashamed that I can easily spend a half hour looking at the mirror and poking every ounce of white flesh I wish wasn’t there.
I’m ashamed that I cried the last time I bought jeans.
I’m ashamed that I can dwell in a state of mind that says “no, you can’t…. because you don’t look like them.”
Maybe I’m ashamed because I feel like people look at me and think…
Treadmill.
Salad Bar.
…almost attractive?
Salad Bar.
…almost attractive?
I’m not going to live my life as an “almost” anything. I’m not ashamed to say that, for me, the good days outweigh the bad ones, and I know that life is more than skin deep. I’m aware that beauty is much more than the tag on my jeggings (don’t hate) and is comprised of who I am when I look in the mirror but also when I open my mouth.
…and so, no more shame. I am who I am. It’s my job to be healthy and happy, not to be the ideal I created in my head when I was 16 years old…
Que the song “Video” by India.Arie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq86e4Fhja0&ob=av2e
The only thing I will hate on from this post is the jeggings. Girl.
ReplyDeleteBut let me just say I loved this post. I'm not quite so brave to lay out my "mirror moments" as you are. I love your courage. Un poquito jealous :)
I am so honored to have such a courageous, honest, loving, spunky, amazing woman as my dear friend. Liz, this is beautiful and challenging. I've had to deal with an alarming number of my pity parties head-on now that I've got Drew around (poor guy), wondering what on earth has gotten me so down. It's sad how quickly the blues come on after something as silly as pulling out and trying on last year's winter clothes and finding that some don't fit anymore. Or - how sick is this - finally, actually working out and feeling really good about my body, only to pick it apart when I stand naked in front of the mirror before my shower.
ReplyDeleteI'm learning to trade in shame for grace. For peace. For joy, even. And for these: http://www.eatliverun.com/buttercrust-rolls/ ! Thanksgiving 2011 is going to be a guilt-free joy fest!
Girl, you are beautiful, and don't you ever forget that! I'm so proud to call you a friend! and I'm glad No Shame November is catching on (:
ReplyDeleteps. hang out soon?
Liz, you are my fav.
ReplyDeleteI so love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so lucky to have you.
You are amazing, courageous, and beautiful.
I might just have to join this "no shame" thing....
Ay Querida!
ReplyDeleteTake it from someone who has long battled this culture and it's insistence that there is only one body type that is worthy...YOU ARE all that is beautiful and appealing. This warrior goddess, brutally honest, open hearted, all senses engaged in the world, ready to do the hard work of loving broken people woman that you are IS BIG and BEAUTIFUL!
The shame lies with those who settle for less...
Loving you!
Sherita
Liz, I learn so much from you every time I see you (or read your thoughts) - and I'm so proud to call you my friend! Let me tell you what I think when I look at you (it's quite different than 'treadmill' and 'salad bar'). I look at you, and I think:
ReplyDeleteDamn. That girl looks fierce. If I weren't friends with her, I'd be intimidated by her beauty, her confidence, and her intelligence. (Sometimes I still am. Seriously).
Which leads me to realize how much I miss you and how ridiculous it is that I haven't seen you in weeks. Can I see you soon, please? Please tell me you're coming to the Pomegranates show!
OH MY GOSH! seriously guys, i am SO HUMBLED by all of these comments. Thank you thank you thank YOU to every one of you. All of you has some crazy weird place in my life, and i'm so glad to have that connection. i am so blessed! stay tuned. write your own. wow.
ReplyDeletelove love love.