“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” ― Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC
As always, its about to real here for No Shame November. I'm scared to tears some days about the future, about graduation and my possible utter destitution.
You may think I have my shit together, you have never been more wrong. I have these crazy embarrassing moments where I can think of nothing else but what my life will look like after graduation. Each day my personal predictions get bleaker and bleaker. Last week, I was almost in tears envisioning my self living in some small apartment alone, smelling like cats and Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume. [that's right, I hate cats and I would never wear White Diamonds.] What I'm trying to get at is how irrational my fears have become. As much as I tell myself these fears are irrational I can't help but read the newspaper articles hanging crepe about the 46% poverty rate among Americans under 24. What the news says must be true, I'm screwed.
...but the poverty situation is only a part of it. Of course I fear homelessness and a diet of expired canned goods, but I'm also having some really shameful fears that I that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Social Work is certainly my calling, I'm well aware of that. It's just that, having the degree doesn't narrow it down. Social Workers do a lot of things, most of which they do after they have their Master's degrees and have an inkling about what their passionate about.
You know its bad when its easier to narrow down what you don't want to do over what you do want. I don't want to work with kids [I ran an inner city summer camp and worked at an Ecuadorian orphanage, have i paid my dues?] and I don't want to do anything remotely medical [i have paid zero dues to medical field outside of regular immunizations.] Crap. That leaves with me a whole wide world of things to do, be and see. There's women, there's single women, there's mothers, fathers, grandparents [or geriatrics in general], there's immigrants, there's domestic violence, veterans... i'm only getting started. There is a boat load of worthy fields I could try to get into. I just don't know what's me. [insert diatribe of "who am i?"]
I want what Fredrick Buechner is describing. I want find the intersection of need and personal happiness [and pay my bills!]. I just kind of want to grow up?
I'm ashamed that I've invested my time and my parents' money into a degree I'm in love with but unsure how to use.
I'm ashamed that I don't have a life consuming passion like everyone else does. [seriously. puppies, orphans, cancer research, journalism. my peer group pretty much has the market cornered on passions and goals.]
I'm ashamed that I'm broke as a joke, and without a job everyday feels like I'm only waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm ashamed that I'm scared. That I don't trust God like I say I do.
... maybe that's what it all comes down to. I'm ashamed that I'm not content to say "I don't know", I serve a big, big God who certainly knows the ins and outs of my gifts and talents. If I trust and follow, he'll make a way- I know it. [don't ask me how... that mystery of faith thing so me.]
soundtrack of my life.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87-118ordA4
No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].
LB, i love you. Let me tell you, i never imagined I'd be doing what I'm doing now, but i actually love it. and you know I'm not the optimistic "everything will work out in the end so just keep doin what you're doin" type. In fact, I usually have to choke back my cynical laughter when I say things like that to people. But honestly, i think you'll be okay. for what that's worth.
ReplyDeleteumm i agree. and although i'm a huge fan of puppies, let me know if you think of a good life passion that i can use. can chips and salsa be my life passion - is that allowed? errrrrrr probably not.
ReplyDeletea wise someone once told me that God is bigger than the boogey man. and that he's watching out for you and me. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WYknq2Us9Y) that little asparagus was right.
i think next year at this time we should revisit this post and see where we are at. i betcha we will still be alive and kicking, maybe not with it all together, but somewhere where we couldn't imagine we'd end up.