New Year

Well, of course, Anna Gesch got her new years post up before mine... but its whatever.

This year has been really great and really hard. I spent the first four months of it in Quito, Ecuador; which was a great decision for my spanish but was so hard on my heart (you learn to love people and a place and it all becomes a part of you. And then you leave...) Coming back to the states sucked less, i spent one of the best summers of my life living in Chicago with some of my best friends. Its been a slice, really.

Top Five Moments of 2011:
1. My semester in Ecuador
2. Learning how to live on my own. (like for real. Paying bills, grocery shopping, cooking, using public transit- don't lie to yourself about the dorms giving you those experiences. They just didn't son.)
3. Learning how to let people in- even if you're ok "on your own." (apparently it's totally normal to talk to your friends about your feelings. Who knew?)
4. Its a tie between Julianne's wedding weekend and our trip to Toronto (same amazing cast of characters. Quality hijinks ensued with both.)
5. Finally quitting the absolute worst job I've ever had (and finding a really decent new one!)

Hopeful Highlights for 2012 (or a thinly veiled list of "resolutions")
1. I told my self Icould smoke through undergrad. The time has come the walrus said...
2. I'll need to pay off my credit card before things get out of hand.
3. Theres this boy- he takes me out, then he lectures me about credit cards. Next year, I really hope he'll be my boyfriend :)
4. I'm gonna look hot. All the time, 24/7 classy-fabulous ( I'm seriously a deranged kardashian wannabe)
5. Oh yeah, graduate from college and find some kind of job to support myself!

This is how LB and her friends kicked it up for
2012. Pink Champagne ($2.99 at jewel.) #classy.

Done with DIY Decmeber.

Oh hi. This is my blog, obvi. I just have been doing everything but blogging this break. I'm back to work at the Lakeview YMCA and the commute has been taking a toll on me. I'm a baby. I'm over it. 

So the hair. Well, it's not as much of a hot mess it was in the initial stages, but the weird knottiness hasn't gone away. Also, I really don't think it's thicker at all. In short, I don't look like a movie star. Whatever. 

I also dyed my hair Christmas Eve (#ballsy) and it it didn't turn out so well. A few shades too dark and with some super weird streaks in one side. I think only two people honestly like it, everyone else in my life is just too kind to tell me I look like Wednesday Addams.  The dying experience made my hair hella soft and I realize just how much i  missed the "normal" hair feeling. The dye business also helped me to avoid my worst-case scenario of wearing a hat to Christmas, that was a definate relief. 


The big question is am i going to keep doing it? You know, i'm not sure. Probably not. I think I'll just shampoo a less frequently and not freak out about it. It's whatever. Additionally, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow [the 30th] and I'll know there will be shampoo aplenty. So my first shampoo in a month will be with  a complete stranger, and my head in a sink. Awesome.

The DIY face business was the best decision I've ever made. I would recommend to anyone to wash their face with honey and use Apple Cider Vinegar as a toner. Cheap, awesome and all around fabulous. Do it!


I know you want pictures, but I don't have any super nice ones of the new hair. I have a nasty picture I forgot to post here and I have a picture from Christmas of my friend Nick and I that you can harshly judge. Enjoy.

This was after the breakfast guacamole on my
head fiasco. I had my hair up, after removing the
hair tie, this remained. cute!

Nick obviously loves my hair. I look goofy here but you can tell
that my hair is a darker. This is also in a bar, judge on boys and
girls.

What's on tap for January you ask? No Jumpin' Jammin' or Jugglin' January. I think it will be Just like Before, January. I have a few DIY things I didn't get to post from this month. So i'll do a little of that, and a little more of whatever I feel like.

DIY Family Edition

What up blogosphere? Life was hella busy in da heights with all the finals craziness. But I'm home now. Rolled in to the 18559 club on Friday and the fun just hasn't stopped since...

but before my arrival at my Dad's there was some definite sadness. My roommates (and our plus one!) had to say good bye for the first time- Jacqui's going to Chicago Semester, Sash & I heading to the villagio and it's the beginning of the end of my time waking up with my best friends every day. 

That brings us to DIY family. I have this weird habit of not being able to have causal friendships. For real. I have best friends, that's it. Friends are the family you choose yourself, and I've loaded the ranks with a bunch of lovable weirdos. [disclaimer: I love my bio family more than anything. But sometimes a girls gotta diversify her circles. that's when these people happened...] Allow me to introduce just one contingent of my DIY family, my roommates.

The 210, plus one. 

from left to right: me, calob, sasha, & jacqui

Calob: He's our baby bro. This kid is a total gem. It all started out of his bromance with Jacqui's fiance, Jon... and how glad I am that it did. He's the best and tons of fun, we can laugh, we can cry, and he comes to caf dinner "just for the conversation". We get sick and take of each other, classic friend stuff. We talk about feelings, which gets kind of weird but we always end up laughing. He's also super smart, his latest theory is that lesbians don't get stressed. Ha!

Sasha: This girl. She's the kindest, warmest most geniune person you'll ever get to meet. She dreams big and is still my friend when I try to bring her back to reality. We can laugh until we cry, but she also supports my habit of "surprise crying." She is an excellent listener and an even more talented artist. She's the only person I know who loves Harry Potter as much as me or can match my affinity for vinegar-y snacks [shout out to pickles and mustard with our soft pretzels at the mall.]


Jacqui: PTL we like each other because we spend A LOT of time together. Sometimes we match, but it's ok because, "who we are is just so similar." She's a great roommate and real fun, even if she rarely rescues me from Sasha's weird, snugly embrace. She reads weird morman blogs a ton and single handedly got to me to join Twitter and Pinterest all in the course of a semester. She once called me a "cheating brat", I may never forgive her. She's leaving for Chicago semester [not that far] and then is getting married to Jon [lucky bastard/going far way] & i hate it.

So that's just one branch of my DIY family tree. 

In other news, my hair is fine. Lots of pictures to come!!!
I seriously haven't put any shampoo on my hair in 20 days. I love it. I think it freaks my dad out that I have a big bottle of honey and Apple Cider Vinegar under the sink, but the soft skin is worth it.

DIY away kids.

Breakfast guacamole on yo head.

So i'm really not sure why i do this to myself.

I decided to forgo the apple sauce bath, for an avocado hair mask. Basically because it's more natural blah blah blah.

So did i lil googlin' [totally verb, get over it.] and found a bunch of different recipes that I didn't have all the ingredients for. So i just mixed up some of what I did have. [somewhere in my DNA is a chromosome that reads completely incapable of making a decent decision/ straight up dumb.] Basically the LB avo hair mask consisted of one VERY ripe avocado, a small mushy banana, and some honey. Again I say, STUPID.

It was pretty yucky going on. You can thank my roomate Jacqui for playing photag here. She got some really quality shots chronicling my foray deeper into all natural hair care.

The process was simple enough, slather it onto your hair and let it soak for a while in a warm towel. That sounds really easy until you've put a soaking wet towel on your head. I feel like I was doing curls with my neck for an hour. According to Sasha, getting the towel completely damp and ringing it out was also a work out, but I'll leave that to her in the comments section if she's compelled to share.

To the right you can observe the slathering process. Please try to imagine the smell of honey, avocado and bannanas while i was doing this. My hair still smells like some kind of breakfast guacamole.

So there was that...



.... then I sat in a wet towel for an hour...





And now you'll want to know how it turned it out.

Dismal. Greasy. I look like a junkie coming off a two week bender. Reminiscent of Severus Snape [but not quite that bad.] It was fine last night before I went ot bed, but I woke up this morning to some incredibly greasy, nasty hair. And the breakfast guacamole smell is here to stay, it seems. On the positive side, my hair does seem a lot softer and less brittle, so hopefully that will stay and the grease will dissipate with a few Baking Soda treatments.

I'll leave you with this gem...

I kind of wish i was joking about the back. i have to be in public today.
shit. 

please be nice to me. 

DIY yourself a Merry little Christmas

First things first. The hair update. As you know, the knot situation is out control. I feel like my head could be used as a model for a class on sailing knots. Suffice it to say, it feels like a big dread lock most of the time. Don't fret. I've got pictures. Really, really embarrassing ones.

These are the real deal folks. Top left: day 5, top right: day 7,
bottom left: day 9, bottom right day 11
(just woke up. with hair like that.)

These are the knots. Left, i look naked, but i'm not.
That thing on my shoulder is my hair, ONE BIG DREAD LOCK/
home for wayward guinea pigs and hamsters.
Right top: after brushing it out, greasaayyyy.
bottom right: i am discussed with the brushed out knots, grease
factor and crappy lighting in my room.

So it's getting a little weird. I know it hasn't been the full two weeks yet, I just don't see any marked improvements outside of my hair's thickness. It's coarse and yucky and sometimes embarrassingly greasy. I'll stick it out, only 20 more days [who says no to quality entertainment and free over produced hair grease?- not this girl, that's who.] 

I think i might try giving my hair an apple sauce bath, for moisture. Apparently that's a real thing.  I'll link up what I decide on, not to worry. 

Even though my hair is sick nastaaay gross, it's still Christmas [who knew]. Hasn't really felt like Christmas with the no snow and the helluvalotta finals work, but I've experienced some holiday standby's that always put a little navidad in my vida. 

exhibit a.

Homemade snowflakes. You tried really hard to make them in elementary school and they always looked stupid. Then Sasha taught you the hexagon fold... that's my life story. We put on some Sufijan Christmas tunes [theological disagreements aside] and make it snow on dis room [regrettably we couldn't locate rain or whoes. Hence, snowflakes.]

Exhibit B:

These be Christmas cookies. I created these gems right after the snow flaking and I was raring to go and have some Christmas time fun. The social work Christmas party served up minimal fun, but lots of GFS sugar cookies and real life tubs of icing [read: spoonable sugar + nuclear waste]. I may have gotten a little white girl wasted on sugary products that evening and acted real stupid. [that's a real thing for me. the regular pop, 3 cookies & all that holiday cheer just set me over the edge. I was that weird kid at your third grade class Christmas party that had to be sent home early, from "over stimulation."] So that got a little strange, but whatever. i love Christmas, Christmas cookies and Christmas carols... am I to blame that some of those things don't love me?

not nice knots.

my hair is just nastaaay.[technical terms].

its realllllllly knotty. and dry, and feeling sick.

I will have photo updates soon. but soon is not right now, thanks.

Finals are also happening soon, apparently. People are in an uproar, as if they don't happen every year.

This is an uproar. Keep reading.

Day Five and having your mom do things for you.

Hey. So that's my real face. I didn't touch it up, I don't have an ounce of makeup on. Its weird that it's on the internet now. BUT-- it's to show how AMAZING that honey face wash business really is. I'll put together some comparisons for tomorrow. But OH WOW. it feels as smooth and wonderful as it looks [there's my self esteem.]

As for the hair. that's a story for tomorrow. It doesn't look too bad in that picture, but it's getting rough over here.
...and by rough, i mean hella greasy.

On to DIY December, the Momma installment. My mom is a real nut, but i love her. She's also a pretty nutty DIY-er who puts my abilities to shame. She's not quite on the natural beauty bus just yet, but cutesy-crafty-heartfelt-crap, that's her bag. 

To the right there, that's the Christmas tree at her house. I'd guess that she made or personalized about 40% of the ornaments on it [the rest are Barbie and Wizard of Oz... I'm not kidding.]

True Life: My mom is so awesome. There's this great ornament that is actually a miniature book chronicling my first Christmas. She filled it out completely [props for having the exact same handwriting 21 years later.] and pasted [like by hand] pictures of the whole event. That's dedication. I should have snapped a picture of my favorite entry from the wee little book, it read:
"Baby's First Christmas Gifts-
1. clothes
2. Puffalump animal
3. Bonds
..."

Maybe its only me, but bonds would not have made my top three gifts ANY Christmas [granted I was nine months old, and didn't know the difference...] It probably is only me. My mom didn't even crack a smile when I read the list. Bonds were apparently a super "appropriate" & "normal" gift in December of '90. People also were still wearing shoulder pads at the time, so its whatever. 

Obviously the Christmas tree is awesome, and the baby book ornament is awesome... but, there's more!

My mom also patched my favorite jeans. She performed a Christmas miracle by making the miracle jeans wearable again. PTL.

For real. These were my all time favorite jeans until... the friction generated by obviously super thin thighs causes a major hole right up by the crotch of these super hot jeans. Rendering them, not so hot. 

but look- totally fixed. Now I'll just need to keep my legs together while sitting [not a problem] and far apart while walking [that could be tricky].

I'm so excited.

DAY ONE

ok ok. So i've been doing the honey face wash thing for two days [cheater] and today was my first day going no 'poo. Seriously guys, this is going to be rough...

my hair feels nastaaayyy. Today would have been a normal shampoo day for me, meaning I washed my hair on Tuesday. Basically, I'm rocking three days sans traditional poo. The roommates say it doesn't look nasty, but i can feel it my bones that the slime is on its way. i've been asking my friends for pinky swears and signed pacts that they will continue in our friendship even after the greasiest of grease emerges. [hopefully i won't have to enact those.]

the honey face wash is great. My whole body smells like apple cider vinegar but I really can't complain. I think the volcanic eruptions are starting to clear up.

I'm also on the lookout for non gypsy ways to wear a scarf in my hair. I'm cool with a little gypsy but nothing that will require large, gold hoop earrings. I need a way to cover my hair without wearing a turban a la Professor Quirrel from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Additionally, every idea i find online about scarf hair do's is terrible. Either it's totally gypsy-tastic or it's a nasty handkerchief tied up 2nd grade style. yuck.



that's it. I plan to play all weekend so I'll update with some photos Monday.

no more No Shame November... [shameless sans aliteration.]

A sincere thanks to one of my dearest friends, Kathleen Leahy for this inspiration for the month. [Entirely Glass, or Windowless] and our friend Kelli Schmitz [alis volat propriis] for adding her voice to the November conversation.I loved writing No Shame November, and I heard a few people liked reading it. I guess that means I'm going to give this weird blogging thing a go. But I'll need themes. and alliteration...

December is going to be a doosey [no, that's the not the theme.] I'm doing DIY December and I plan to chronicle my foray into DIY all natural beauty products. [i'm a lil' crunchy hippie sometimes.]

two main focuses this month:
1. switching from 235394870357234 face products [real talk: i'm crazy.] toonly two.
2. switching from commercial shampoos to a DIY baking soda mixture [oh it's gonna get real greasy up in here.]

photo quality is less than poor. i'm new at this, relax.

1. Basically my skin has been a hot nasty volcanic mess as of late. I tried all my usual tricks [putting tooth paste on them before bed, classy.] and I still was feeling like I needed to be on the "before" section of a Proactiv commerical. It's time for a change. When I found this great idea on the pinterest, I was in. Honey face wash, here I come. [let the honey puns commence.] The idea for honey face wash is beautifully simple. Use honey and water to wash your face and remove your make-up, use Apple Cider Vinegar as a toner.

skin, messy bun & goofy face. or- "before"

2. The no 'poo craziness has been rolling around in my little pea brain for some time now. This time last year I was on the verge of getting dread locks, i'm just over my hair. I regularly rock the white girl nat'ral afro [real thing] and the catholic school messy bun [mother mcauley mighty macs, what up?],  I need an intervention. 

I creeped around some more the pinterest [i might need to join P.A. soon.] and found this fabulous documentation of a no 'poo experiment. [dear Crunchy Betty, i want to be you.] So i'm doing it. Just like that. 

I won't repost the entire process here [it's simple: use water and baking soda in place of shampoo and use Apple Cider Vinegar to condition.], but basically everything i've read says my hair will need a month or so to transition from regular shampoo to no 'poo. I will be documenting my grease ball nastiness during the transition period this month [like i'll probably have to wear a hat to Christmas]. I'm committing to see this through, into the new year. If it doesn't help by January 1st- I'm out, but i really really really hope it makes me look a like a movie star [totally reasonable expectations].

There will be before and after pictures, there will be grease, there will be trying to camouflage the grease, there will be funny stories, there will be not-so funny stories, it will be my idea of a good time. 

So, letcho inner grease ball out. 

Anyone up for taking the challenge with me?

all DIY beauty ideas come from www.crunchybetty.com. 

read:THIS ARE HER IDEAS, not mine. 

I'm only wishing to chronicle my personal experience. 

Crunchy Betty approval pending.

faith faker

pin pic

welp. I joined the pinterest. So embarrassing because i'm such a brat. I've been harassing my roommates all semester about this website. It's a complete time suck. [also a big bucket of fake life. Seriously, no ones house has that many windows to take great pictures of all this perfect DIY crap you make. And shut the hell up with the running inspiration pins.  those abs are air brushed. get real! Also i'm way over re using old tshirts now that i'm on it. I've seen one too many infinity scarves gone awry.]

but that's not what this post is about.

this is a scary, deep, dark secret kind of post. [as deep and as dark as I get on the internet. draw your own conclusions.]

i'm really ashamed that, sometimes, I feel like a total phony in the following Jesus department. 

real life ejemplo: my assignment for tomorrow's Spanish 302 class is to create a presentation about sharing my faith with someone from a Spanish speaking culture. I anchor my life on this stuff, and my Spanish isn't bad. This shouldn't be hard.

so wrong.

I hemmed, I hawed. I googled, I youtubed. [i took a "break" on pinterest too, damnit.] I wasn't coming up with anything. The idea of summing up the gospel in a 3-4 minute presentation seemed near impossible, and not because I had a lot of deep, theological things to say; but because I had nothing to say. I didn't know where to start.


Woah. Woah. pump the brakes.

I'm a senior at a Christian college who claims she's trying to follow this Jesus guy with everything she's got. Seems like I turned the GPS off or something, I can't give good directions. Am I supposed to hammer my audience with Bible verses? Do I bring a tract? Do I cry? Do I laugh? Do I bribe them!? [this is nothing like a GPS. all i want to hear is bear left- and the Brittish setting on the Garmin.]


I've had the faith conversation a million times with most of my close friends. Everyone knows where I stand, and each of them know that this big, powerful, loving God loves them too. I've been forthcoming with anyone in crisis that my go to solution to any problem is earnest prayer. I couldn't do this assignment because it felt forced, fake and phony. I didn't know who I was talking to, I didn't know what they were experiencing in their life at that moment. I tell my good friends "don't freak out, i'm just going to pray for you before you get out of the car." [true life: i'm creepy] I don't even know if this this weird presentation world has cars!? 

I just don't jump into, Jesus talk,  or bed with strangers. 

Eventually, I did figure it out. I created a windows media player presentation around the idea that Everyone Worships Something. And talked about John 1:14 and Romans 8:2. And even though i feel theologically and bilingually sound on this project, I can't shake the feeling that there's something not right about it.





I'm ashamed.

I'm ashamed that I can't condense the most important thing in my life well enough to articulate it in front of a class.


I'm ashamed that every youtube video I watched for "evangelism" "Spanish evangelism" or "creative evangelism" was total crap. Not just poorly made, but all together bad... condemning, arrogant and unintelligent.

I'm ashamed that Christians get such a bad rap about being judgmental in their attempts at proselytizing.

No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].

"have you ever seen an idealist with gray hairs on his head?"

-Pedro the Lion

fresh outta the great white north and I guess I'm ready to embark on a post I've been nervous about...

sometimes. I'm ashamed to be an American. 

Please don't freak out. Please don't think I'm a communist. Please don't think I don't value "freedom". Please, please- don't think this is all i could say about this subject [i'm not trying to be weird and political, or naive and idealisitc. just real.]

Sometimes, like just after taking a peak at our near-by neighbor Canada, I realize that there's a big world out there; and I live in only a small part of it. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I think.... for a while there, I didn't realize there was so much more out in the world apart from the US. It was really easy to get wrapped up in the all consuming culture that is everything Amurican.


Before I go any further, I realize everyone gets to this point. It might not be with consumerism, but some other constant in your life... family, religion, culture, et al. We get so stuck in what we've been doing that we can't see what we are doing[to ourselves].  For me, it's this weird-o, American consumerist mentality that really has me beginning to examine what I'm doing.

This isn't the first time I've questioned materialism, and it won't be the last, but there was something about my Toronto visit that brought it all up again. There were smaller scale stores for everything. Stores that only sold one thing. Stores that only sold certain types of things. Stores that looked worlds away from Target and Walmart. Shopping seemed less of an event and more like something to check off your to-do list. I like that.  A little less oohing and aahing and the junk on the end cap at Target and more thinking of where to buy things closest to your house. This specialized shopping made consuming more a  task to accomplish than a form of entertainment.

Another little Canadian weirdity is that they don't really do credit cards like we do in the states. According to  my friend Julianne, wise sage that she is, they deal pretty much exclusively in prepaid debit cards and cash. You mean the society doesn't run on debt? That means you have to cash a pay check and buy things with real money? Weirdest thing ever [Canadian money is also  purple and holographic and totally ke$ha-tastic].

This might sound silly, but it felt a little like  Ecuador. The smaller shops, the personal vendors. It made me miss the developing world [what the crap does that mean?] and places that dealt only in cash. Maybe I'm misreading this one neighborhood of Toronto that I stayed in... but I can't help but thinking it was a bit simpler. It was a bit nicer. It wasn't so damn easy to get into debt.

So draw your own conclusions, but it's just what I've been thinking about lately. I don't know who sells me my groceries, and I don't have a clue where I'd buy craft supplies if I couldn't run to Michael's [ i wish i knew Michael personally.] Would I buy as much stuff if it wasn't offered? If the $10 purses weren't so accessible, and I had to buy a bag from a second hand store [baby girl is on a budget] or a clothing store that's a little more expensive; would I own over a dozen bags? [for shame]. Probably not. 

... & it's that that makes me ashamed.

I'm ashamed that stuff has taken over my life
I'm ashamed that i'm completely divorced from where my stuff comes from.
I'm ashamed that I'm so in awe of a place that pays for things out right.
I'm ashamed that even though I try to fight it, I am it.
I'm ashamed I was made in america.







[listen to Pedro the Lion's  song- Penetration]





No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].

Oh Canada

No Shame November goes international! Im writing today from the living room rocking chair of my dear friend, Julianne.

Heres the long and the short of it: Canada is wonderful, it just takes a while to get here. Heres where the shameful part comes in...

While making thanksgiving dinner my friends and i ate an ENTIRE bag of ketchup chips. Delicious, but fatty fiesta.

It just seems a little nasty that we gobbled [totally not discontinuing use of that word until Christmas] down a whole bag of chips while we made dinner [first world problems.] it also took us seven hours to cook dinner and just about an hour to eat it. Weird , but worth it.

Its just another American culture thing i've been thinking through lately. More on the weirdness of the western world later.

For now, im thankful that my friendsgiving Thanksgiving was ballin'- shout out to our midwestern ( and coloradoan) mamas for teaching us to cook well :)

Gobble back ya'll.

proper Canadian American Thanksgiving  appetizer [trashy.]

"let's dress up in pilgrims hats!" or rather, "they drove me to drink."

my life on repeat.

1 part friend inspiration 
+ 1/2 part No Shame November
 + making play lists for my Thanksgiving road trip
= my life on repeat


Inspired by my friend, Anna Gesch over at Life.Annamated. [is that weird that I just did that, bloggy reference thing?] i'm about to share some of what i've been listening to lately.Her playlists weren't supposed to be shameful, but they certainly were [ I won't be including any of that You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oats bullshit] Mine are a bit shameful. [It's pretty embarasing when you're roomates ask what youre listening to, and you give them the same answer all semester.]

Also a touch embarrassed that I could produce most of the lyric snippets from memory. I'm all about the music i love because of the words. all about it.

So basically, I really like Josh Garrels and twangy folksy music. This list is fall-tastic, just push play.


Fall 2011

Mumford & Sons- Roll Away Your Stone

     " It seems that all my bridges have been burned

      But you say, "That's exactly how this grace thing works"

     It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
     But the welcome I receive with every start"

Bright Eyes- Cleanse Song
     "Hear the chimes, did you know that the wind when it blows
      It is older than Rome and all of this sorrow"

The Avett Brotthers- Spanish Pipedream
    "Blow up your T.V., throw away your paper
     Move to the country, build you a home
     Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches
    Try to find Jesus on your own"

Good Old War- Coney Island

     "Well I go crawling back to the city I love
      Because its already taken everything"

Josh Garrels- Zion & Babylon

            "Say, my name ain’t yours and yours is not mine
                Mine is the Lord, and yours is my child, that’s how it’s always been.
                  Time to make a change, leave your home.

                 Give to the poor all that you own. Lose your life, so that you could find it”

Josh Garrels- Beyond the Blue

            “Sometimes the only way to return is to go, 
                Where the winds will take you
                And to let go, of all, you cannot hold onto
                For the hope, beyond,the blue”

Josh Garrels- Ulysses
            “So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home
                Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone
                I want to hold, her in, my arms”

Josh Garrels- Bread and Wine

            “so give it just a little time.
                share some bread and drink some wine.
                weave your heart your into mine.”

Josh Garrels- Farther Along
            “There’s so much more to life than we’ve been told
            …That the Son of God is forever blessed
                His is the kingdom, we're the guests.”

Amos Lee- Night Train

          ““I’ve been working on a night train,
                drinking coffee, taking cocaine.”

Van Morrison- Into the Mystic

          “and when that fog horn blows know that I’ll be coming home.
                and when that fog horn blows I want to hear it.
                and don’t have to fear it.

                yeah, I want to rock your gypsy soul.”

(even though it’s trashy, this will probably be the first dance at my wedding.)

Paperwork- Your Old Coat

          “this is all that I have left.
                your old coat and your old desk.”

The Avett Brothers- The Weight of Lies

          “When you run make sure you run to something, and not away from 

                because lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere.”

Old Crow Medicine Show- Wagon Wheel

          “so rock me mama like a wagon wheel,

                Rock me mama anyway you feel.
                heeeey mama rock me.”

In other news, its almost Thanksgiving [which I'm celebrating with some of my best friends- IN CANADA.] Gobble back ya'll.

the future freaks me out.

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” ― Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC

As always, its about to real here for No Shame November. I'm scared to tears some days about the future, about graduation and my possible utter destitution.

You may think I have my shit together, you have never been more wrong. I have these crazy embarrassing moments where I can think of nothing else but what my life will look like after graduation. Each day my personal predictions get bleaker and bleaker. Last week, I was almost in tears envisioning my self living in some small apartment alone, smelling like cats and Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume. [that's right, I hate cats and I would never wear White Diamonds.] What I'm trying to get at is how irrational my fears have become. As much as I tell myself these fears are irrational I can't help but read the newspaper articles hanging crepe about the 46% poverty rate among Americans under 24. What the news says must be true, I'm screwed.


...but the poverty situation is only a part of it. Of course I fear homelessness and a diet of expired canned goods, but I'm also having some really shameful fears that I that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Social Work is certainly my calling, I'm well aware of that. It's just that, having the degree doesn't narrow it down. Social Workers do a lot of things, most of which they do after they have their Master's degrees and have an inkling about what their passionate about.

You know its bad when its easier to narrow down what you don't want to do over what you do want. I don't want to work with kids [I ran an inner city summer camp and worked at an  Ecuadorian orphanage, have i paid my dues?] and I don't want to do anything remotely medical [i have paid zero dues to medical field outside of regular immunizations.] Crap. That leaves with me a whole wide world of things to do, be and see. There's women, there's single women, there's mothers, fathers, grandparents [or geriatrics in general], there's immigrants, there's domestic violence, veterans... i'm only getting started. There is a boat load of worthy fields I could try to get into. I just don't know what's me. [insert diatribe of "who am i?"]

I want what Fredrick Buechner is describing. I want find the intersection of need and personal happiness [and pay my bills!]. I just kind of want to grow up?

I'm ashamed that I've invested my time and my parents' money into a degree I'm in love with but unsure how to use.

I'm ashamed that I don't have a life consuming passion like everyone else does. [seriously. puppies, orphans, cancer research, journalism. my peer group pretty much has the market cornered on passions and goals.]

I'm ashamed that I'm broke as a joke, and without a job everyday feels like I'm only waiting for the other shoe to drop.


I'm ashamed that I'm scared. That I don't trust God like I say I do.

... maybe that's what it all comes down to. I'm ashamed that I'm not content to say "I don't know", I serve a big, big God who certainly knows the ins and outs of my gifts and talents. If I trust and follow, he'll make a way- I know it. [don't ask me how... that mystery of faith thing so me.]


soundtrack of my life.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87-118ordA4

No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].

stop now, wait a minute... lemme put some LB in it.

I'm ashamed at how impatient I am. Seriously, it's sick.

I can't wait for anything. Not in line, not in traffic, dear God not for the internet to connect and most of all... when it involves the waiting game.

Yes, you've played it. The game. When you like someone and they like you back and there's flirting, and eye lash fluttering, all that garbage... and texting [love/hate relationship].

I carry a lot of shame about being unable to hide my feelings and being completely unable to wait for anything. Most notably with guys. Shout out to the poor souls who have dated me [what were you thinking!?] but it seems that when I'm into someone I fall faster than your grandma after a glass of wine.

and that's embarrassing.

I have no game, zero skill and a serious thing for guys that aren't into me. Apparently, normal people text back and forth and play foots-y with each other... months later they go on a date and somewhere in the distant future they decide to own up to the crap everyone else has been observing for six months. Come on people. That means I'm going months without the validation of this being official [no weird-o, not facebook official]. That means I can't just call you to talk, hang out with you in my sweat pants, or ask you to run errands with me. In short, during those initial months I still have to impress you. That means doing my hair, wearing my contacts and laughing at your jokes on  regular basis. [seriously too much pressure, but I usually dig funny guys.]

No Shame November gets personal once again, I'm not the least bit ashamed that I think I'm awesome [you're awesome too, go figure out why], but I won't be caught dead asking a guy out. ever. So because I am SO IMPATIENT. I always ruin it. I drop too many not-so [not even close] subtle hints and then it's out the window- homeboy things I'm crazy and obsessed. Crap. I promise I'm normal...


Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating that everyone jumps into a relationship after a week of getting to know someone... BUT. I am advocating that people take a risk, dare to say that you like him and see what happens. A few dates isn't a marriage proposal [it's usually only dinner] gentlemen, so just try it. Suffice it to say, cut the cutesy social networking, texting, obsessing-over-every-word-weirdness, and be real with each other. 

the fact remains, I'm ashamed.

I'm ashamed that I have the patience of first grader in line for the bathroom.

I'm ashamed that I sometimes spoil a good thing by playing my cards too soon.

I'm ashamed that I'm socially inept [seriously how do i have friends?]

I'm ashamed that I wear my heart on my sleeve and cannot keep things to myself. I will perpetually be a 16 year old girl.


...I'll tell you what. I'm not ashamed that I'm honest, I'm up front, and you'll always know where you stand with me. I'm not complicated. I'm not into the games, I want people to be real with me and themselves.... yes, and ask me on a date. : )










No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].

"i'm in love alright...

with my crazy beautiful life."

Ke$ha said it best my friends. No shame here, just walked in from celebrating the 21st birthday of one of Tinley Park's finest. Who says Mondays are for homework? Not this girl.

I've got some really great friends that have been causing mass hysteria in the south suburbs for some time. I'm not trading that for the world. Not for my philosophy paper, not for my Spanish project and certainly not for the arduous article I need to read for social work tomorrow.

you are who you hang with.

I've been posting about things I'm ashamed of, but tonight's different. I saw the looks I got as I sauntered in smelling like booze and cigarettes. I smell like a bar because I was at one.

It's ok. I had one drink and was totally cool to drive home. No shame there.
[it's possible. and a lot of fun. so save all that judgin' drama for your mama, Alumni Hall.]

On the long finger

Alright No Shame November, sorry about my resbit yesterday. It was a busy and long day, with a hilariously complicated timeline [miniature vans were trapped like the cheese in my drunk kitchen]. No time for that now, take me out for coffee... i'll tell ya all about it.

So i'm ashamed at my completely horrible time management skills. Things that sensible and decent people would devote a few hours to maybe earn a 30 minute time slot in my faux busy day.

real life example #1 Friday, my first class is at 11am [i wish college was real life.] I got up hella early [9:00am] to do my Spanish homework, then the roommates came home and we NEEDED to watch you tube videos for 30 minutes. [One never needs to watch youtube videos, especially for the better part of a half hour.] After our time of mindless giggles, it was 10:47 [11:00 class, people!?] and I was still snuggled up in my bathrobe [class act.] Obviously i'm not going to get it together in time, so we decide to go out for breakfast. I mean, worse decisions have been made. [moral of the story: had I not procrastinated the night before and neglected to do my Spanish homework;, I would have been ready for class by the time my roommates came home. Or, if I had an ounce of self control I would have walked away after youtube video #1 and put some freaking pants on.]

real life example #2 This afternoon my great uncle Don died. He was a great man with a heart of gold. But, after many surgeries and broken bones, he had been in a lot of pain for the last few years of his life... it's certainly better that he's left all that here and embraced heaven. Uncle Don was in the hospital all this week, and I pretty much promised to go visit him everyday [didn't even go once.] Needless to say, i feel like a shit head. [that's a technical term]. I can't prioritize things and get my crap done even to say goodbye to a man that I love and have known all my life. [moral of the story: my family is crazy, but they're mine and they keep - loving me through all the weird crap i do. Case in point, this ametuear hour- esque blog. They need to be a priority for me. Also, no one lives forever [duh.]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I am guilty, guilty, guilty. and I'm ashamed.

I'm ashamed that I waste time doing completely pointless garbage [obsessively reading  this book right now about Morman Polygamist Cults.]

I'm ashamed that I work myself into a tizzy [old lady phrases?] about getting things done, only to not do them.

 I'm ashamed that my selfish inability to buckle down and do homework cost me an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one.



I'll probably take tomorrow off again.






No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].

living with a language barrier

I'm ashamed that I talk like a woman much older than myself.
one woman in particular. we share a lot of DNA and facial features, she happens to be my mother.

It's part shameful, part hilarious. Tonight it leaned heavy on the shame side.

I  work for the Trinity Christian College phonathon. Some say blessing, some say curse; I say pay check. There's the usual evening banter and exchanging of stories and laughs between co-workers; usually fun and innocent. Then there was tonight.

I broke a sacred, Christian college rule... the uninvited swear word [pick your bottom jaw off the ground- you're not shocked.]

We were telling stories.
 I imitated my mother... "Elizabeth Alice Francis... get your ass down here!" As soon as the words tumbled out of my  mouth, it was all eyes on me [yucky. awkward. gross] Someone told me that they don't swear, someone else said it might be offensive. I just said said sorry.
But really? Your parents never swore? Sorry boutcha.

So there's that. The rest of my middle aged adages aren't as offensive; just silly, and sometimes embarrassing.

Take tonight's other social snafu [aware that word's outdated].
I said I had to use the washroom.
Apparently that's passe- people say bathroom!? I'm old, out of the loop and I guess down home, Midwestern!? [I'm from Chicago... yeah, that big city, the one with a few million people. Certainly Midwestern, not quite down home.]. Also, according my good friends over at Merriam-Webster [last name basis, folks], the washroom is alive and well, and an accepted synonym for bathroom. check it out here. 

I've got phrases to describe some of life's most perplexing scenarios [small spaces, fast motions, obesity, the usual.] They make me sound out of place within my millennial generation, and generally a little goofy...

Sometimes,
I'm ashamed that i say, two cats couldn't dance here, when I mean, "wow this space is particularly small."
I'm ashamed that i say, faster than Johnny wrote the note, when I mean, "he moved at a rapid pace."
I'm ashamed that i say, all together, like Brown's cows, when I mean, "my, there is certainly a large number of people here!"
I'm ashamed that i say, as big as Mol Mason, when I mean, "incredibly large"


Mostly, I'm just ashamed that I'm not hip, I'm not accessible... at 21, I seem dated and old. [crap.] It doesn't help that someone told me I looked 24 at lunch today. [that really happened. no, i'm not actually concerned.]


No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].

Snapshot shame

Really what im rocking at my desk, its like an episode of hoarders.

Gettin' my Nic Fix

Today [about an hour ago to be exact], a friend told me I smelled like pretzels. Mind you, I don't do physical  contact, so we certainly weren't hugging - or anything remotely close to that.

I just got into her car, and she told me I smelled like pretzels.


...here' the kicker, I was kind of happy with that on the inside. While I do find that nothing quite satisfies like a Rold Gold Tiny Twist, I was just glad not to be told that I smelled like, "a hot cigarette."

here's where No Shame November comes in,
i'm really embarrassed and ashamed that I smoke.

i am well aware that it will kill me. Lung cancer took both my grandmothers from me, and smoking has begun to force my father's  soul into a much older man's body. I want that to be clear. I'm not looking for sympathy or encouragement. Only a little honesty.

In that spirit of shame-shirking honesty- I enjoy smoking. I find that it relaxes, provides convenient social pauses in my day and generally pairs well with the black coffee I guzzle down daily [obviously i'm the picture of health]. On top of the enjoyment, there's this creative and social piece that seems to only be present with a cigarette in hand. I get my best thinking done while enjoying a cigarette, hell- most of these blog topics come straight from thoughts I have during a smoke break.

And socially, it just works. Smoking brings people together. The same can be said of binge drinking, I'll let you draw your own comparisons.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm addicted? Yep, I smoke because I just can't say no to Phillip Morris and that too-damn-good of a product he's created.

so there's that.


I'm ashamed that I smoke..


I'm ashamed that I smell like a big 'ole ash try sometimes.


I'm ashamed that I sometimes ask my friends to, "wait a minute two," while I go smoke.


I'm ashamed that, sometimes, I structure my day around when I'm able to smoke.

I'm ashamed that I struggle to enjoy quality coffee or beer without a cigarette.


I'm ashamed that I'm spending just about $15 dollars a week [sometimes more] on cigarettes [for the uninitiated, that's two packs a week.]


I'm ashamed that I engage in a cultural taboo that to some, discounts my Jesus street cred.



worst. entry. ever.

former socially informed, cool gal. current iPhone owner.

i Mashamed

Wow.

So this is actually pretty embarrassing. I’m writing this from my new iphone. 

You heard that right… new iphone.

If you’ve know me for more than a hot second you realize that that last sentence was COMPLETELY LAUGHABLE. But its true... I got an iphone. Oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing.

I love to rail against big business, the empire, anything endorsed by the ‘in crowd.’ What got into me?! I broke down and I blame my mother...

It started innocently enough. The cell plan my mom and I share was due for phone upgrades, again, I stress the innocence… She had hinted at an iPhone, but I thought surely she’d scoff at the price. Well, obviously I’m a dumbass- because they were the same price or cheaper than most of the other smart phones. Eff. At that point, I knew I was doomed.

We ‘ooed’ and ‘aahhed’ at the phones long enough, all the the while my inner non conformist and staunch anti materialist was having an interal, moral struggle. Upon telling my mother about said battle she replied, “now, most kids would just be so excited their mom is buying them an iphone…” [so much is wrong grammatically and idealogically here, but I should start a Sh*tMyMomSays twitter, right?]

Long story short we bough the iPhone. Just the 4 and only 8g, both white. Complete with ridiculous, pink [white girl problems- esque] cases. This is all true, please direct all questions to Mike, employee of the Orland Park Verizon Store.

Why is the iPhone so shameful for me?

I’m ashamed that I’m a sell out. I’ve gone so far as to debate the merits of the internet, only to carry it in my pocket at all times!? I’ve also gone on record calling it “satan’s phone"

I’m ashamed that it seemed like no big deal to drop $100 on a phone

I’m ashamed at how connected this world demands I be.

I’m ashamed that I agree to, and I have jumped on, the “over- connected bus” with suprising zeal.

I’m really ashamed of that damn case.

Totally makes it worse.

No Shame November is the brainchild of the fabulous Kathleen Leahy [find her here].